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$3.4M Chastain House is MTV Cribs Multiplied by Friar Tuck


Here's an old world monastery meets nouveau riche palais in a new listing near Chastain Park. This six-bedroom abode on Pineland Road showed up this week on Zillow and is one hell of a house — with a serious identity crisis. If MTV came knocking, a blinged-out Friar Tuck might answer, saying, "Welcome, ye, to my crib!" The scene is set on the trip up the driveway: Crossing a bridge (over what appears to be a drainage ditch) the plastered behemoth with steep, wood-shingled roofs appears from behind the trees. In need of a good wash, the mottled stucco job lends to the feeling that you've discovered an ancient relic, forgotten in the woods, assuming you ignore the neighbor's house peeking over the trees. Once inside the cavernous foyer, the messages begin to get mixed.

At the top of the soaring entry hall is a chandelier that could be a PSA about not littering the oceans, looking like a scrawny octopus with plastic bags stuck on its tentacles. A staircase, half of it leading directly into the bottom of the second run of stairs, is adorned with traditional looking/standard Home Depot candelabra-esque wall sconces. From the main living space, the combination of elements can be fully appreciated, complemented by a massive cruciform created by deep-set windows above the uncomfortably proportioned front door. The only thing missing is Maid Marian and Robin Hood to wander down the stairs.

On the second floor, things only get more bewildering. A curvaceous balcony overlooks the dining room, furnished with a 1970s dining room set. In one of nine bathrooms, a big Audrey Hepburn print (can that be the infamous one from IKEA?) hangs above the bathtub, casting a disparaging eye upon whoever thought wood floors were a good idea in a bathroom. But with no mirror above the floating vanity (save for the mirrored candelabra sconces) and drawers and cabinets that don't seem to close all the way, maybe this bathroom is just for show.

With the MTV-Cribs-grade pool grounds, the house is listed well above its neighbors at $3.4 million. It'll be interesting to see how quickly this one goes.

— Michael Kahn

· 252 Pineland Road [Zillow]