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Studies: Atlanta is Slipping in Dominance of Awful Traffic

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There was a time when Atlantans could verifiably stand up and say, "We have the worst traffic in the country!" Now, there's no denying traffic sucks out there, but some recent studies suggest it's not as bad as it could be. TomTom showed that Atlanta has the 15th highest highway congestion in the country. For shame! A separate study by the American Highway Users Alliance showed Atlanta has the 24th worst bottleneck in the country. Pitiful! The city can do so much better. (Remember the sweet times of 2008 when Forbes proclaimed ATL's traffic the absolute worst in the nation?) If Atlantans are truly committed to traffic dominance, they need "Rise Up" and take that number one spot again! Our preoccupation with national lists demands this.

Being No. 1 is tough work, but if everyone pulls together, Atlanta can take the crown as the most congested city in the country. First, every resident needs to make a serious, renewed commitment to long term non-planning.

Changes To Make Atlanta the Most Congested Again!

1. Bike Effigy: If this city is going to become the most congested in America, every Atlantan needs to give up on promising alternative transportation goals. Melt down those bikes, and we'll use the rubber for new cars!

2. Destroy MARTA: Those trains and buses are just easing street congestion and taking useful would-be highway space. Each person on MARTA should park their ass in a real car seat on I-20 with the rest of us.

3. ONLY One-Story Buildings (i.e., the Johns Creek Rule): Spread everything out and tear up every flyer or banner that even mentions "mixed-use development." If people get comfortable with dense, walkable neighborhoods this city will never have enough tires on the street to compete.

4. Government Gridlock: This is probably Atlanta's strong-suit right now, but there's always room for improvement. State officials need to be digging potholes on Moreland Avenue out of spite instead of fixing them! The city should lower the legal drinking age to 16 to guarantee the loss of all highway funding and a dramatic increase in time-sucking accidents. Or maybe not.

5. EVERYBODY GETS A CAR: Now, this might be difficult to push through in a red state, because it's basically automobile socialism. But, if spun correctly, this city could give every resident a car (even two!) with proceeds from Turner Field.

6. Population Explosion: Metro Atlanta's population is growing rapidly. It's on track to reach eight million people by 2040, but that number could be so much larger. Why not 10 million? Or 20 million? Nothing clogs metros like unrestrained in-migration and rabbit-style baby-makin'. To this point, the city needs to open its borders. Take in all refugees from any war-torn nation and declare amnesty for all illegal immigrants. Open the flood gates! If Atlantans really want to commit themselves to congestion, they should institute mandatory minimums on childbirth. Each couple should have at least one child a year until biologically unable. Family is everything!

· Atlanta's Population Set to Soar to 8 Million by 2040 [Curbed]
· Unclogging America's Arteries 2015 [AMERICAN HIGHWAY USERS ALLIANCE]
· TOMTOM TRAFFIC INDEX MEASURING CONGESTION WORLDWIDE [TomTom]