Every Atlantan knows the best thing about the city isn't Varsity chili dogs, venerable neighborhood festivals or the explosively beautiful springs — no! Clearly, the reason we all love living here is the epic traffic. In celebration of the daily beast that plumps our bellies and brings us to a standstill — literally — the folks at the Atlanta Cycling Festival have decided to ditch their homage to two-wheeled, people-powered transportation in favor of four-wheeled gas-guzzlers, announcing the first annual Atlanta Traffic Festival, scheduled for this summer.
The motivation behind the switch is simple: Why would we want to expend energy on biking somewhere when sitting in an air-conditioned car is so much better? Festival planners also tout the efficiency with which Atlanta commuters can multitask while stuck in traffic. "It allows us to text (maybe sext?), watch YouTube videos, do our makeup, shave, and generally rage against the machine, as well as all our fellows' machines, which they clearly are unable to drive so well as we."
Show us a bicyclist who can accomplish all that, and we'll show you a liar!
If you doubt the Atlanta Cycling Festival's logic, just pop over to their site. They quote Jaden Smith for crying out loud… That kid is a genius. With the festival not until June, you have plenty of time to mull the situation, burn your biker shorts and go buy a Hummer.
· Annoucing The Atlanta Traffic Festival (Formerly the Atlanta Cycling Festival) [Atlanta Cycling Festival]