The websites of Atlanta's new apartment communities can be really peculiar realms — alternate universes populated by happy, attractive people with extremely white teeth. The chief goal of these websites, it seems, is to sell potential renters on the promise of endless cocktails, lazy coffee Sundays, poolside romance, frat-bro camaraderie and pet-friendliness that borders on worship. At the heart of these messages are the obnoxious apartment models. Can they really be that cool, sexy and gleeful? With that question in mind, we searched the websites of rental complexes across Atlanta, looking for the most intriguing models out there. Taking into account their facial expressions, attire and the general context of their surroundings, we ventured a few guesses about what's really on their minds.
(Applicable to any)
"The lease I just signed is going to destroy me financially for 18 months. Can they use it as evidence if I Google 'siphoning gasoline?' Yeah, probably a bad idea. Anyway, like, whatever. At least it's Thursday. Let's day-drink, y'all!"
SkyHouse Midtown, "Ascend to Higher Living"
"Does this guy even live here? Or is he, like, a Tech student that jumped the fence? I mean, that Ukrainian dialect is so suspicious. And why does he smell like Long John Silvers?"
"Did that check from dad go through yet? Hope so. Gawd, I hate making him wire money from work. Ah …. hashtag yoga. Hashtag Decatur nosh. Hashtag millennials rule."
"I hear you like whips. I like whips, too, my child. Now listen to my brainwaves ... How would you feel about biting a red rubber ball while I strap leather around the back of your skull? Good, my child. These are the rules: Blink once for harder. Blink twice for way harder. Three blinks, I make you bleed."
The Office Apartments Pt. II
"Man, the Craigslist casting call said 'Contemplative Urban 20-Something Needed.' But let's be real … this is 'Token Non-White Guy in Newsboy Hat with Serious Gaze.' I'm so above this, it's not funny. Seriously. Two years — tops — I'll be hosting SNL. And then they'll know. Then they'll know …"
(Guy on right)
"Protein ... fantasy football ... Chick-fil-A ... protein ... Adrian Peterson... Aaron Rodgers ... protein ..."
"They said the choke collars here might be a little pretentious — but jeez-o-pete! Durf … biscuits?"
Alexan on Krog, "Where Neighbors Become Besties"
"Man, what did you put in those brownies?"
"She's laughing at my shirt, isn't she? Damn. The top-button thing … GQ says it's fly. Not too hipster, but a little. The flower print was inspired by gardens in Bangkok, said the guy at Urban Outfitters. Those dudes don't lie. Man, did I grab the special brownies by accident? Because I'm about to flip out. It's like, metaphysically speaking, I'm external from myself, but yet I have exclusive access to the chasms of my mind."
SkyHouse South, "Elevate Your Life"
"They can laugh, but that joke doesn't even make sense, really. I mean — it's technically impossible. There's no way Ashton Kutcher and Kyle Korver could have a love-child, so the joke's on them. Ha ha!"
"Hey, wait, seriously, is that some protein over there? …"